Ever heard the expression “I'm having a Jonah day"? Even if you haven't, I'm sure you can get the gist of what it means. Well, I have been having a lot of “Jonah Days”. You might even say I've had a few years of them. Still feeling like I have more questions than answers, still very sick and feeling very lonely. With all that is going on with me, it just doesn't leave any opportunity for me to go anywhere or see anyone. I am a social butterfly. I love to be around people and go places. So, all the reality of what I am not able to do has really been weighing on my mind lately. Once I'm going down that road, nothing seems to go right. Not only am I depressed, but I turn into “the girl with the ever present attitude”. I get annoyed so easily at my family for ridiculous things! I see one of them eating and the only thing I think is “How can they eat? Don't they know I'm starving?!”. Totally ridiculous. I mean whats wrong with me? Do I actually want them to stop eating? No, I don't. But when I'm in a mood, I'm really not thinking about that, I'm only thinking about me. Me and my selfish attitude.
Point is, that no matter what my circumstances are, I am always responsible for my attitude and how I respond to them. I cannot lay the blame on anyone else if I'm feeling animosity toward someone. Yes, this is easier said than done and in the famous words of Alice in Wonderland, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." I'm working on that!
Sometimes, I feel like I am going to go crazy with all that is happening. That no matter what I do, I cannot change my situation. But I can change my attitude about it. Honestly, I do not know why I have to go through this struggle or why other people suffer. But then I think of this; what if, through my suffering, something beautiful happens? For me, it always make me feel overwhelmed when I hear someone tell me how they cannot believe how happy I am! God is using me, a non-extraordinary person, to show people His joy! Wow, its hard to imagine that. In this time of hardship, I am able to have a opportunity to show people Jesus like I never have before. I'm able to have joy because of Him. Do I always have joy... No. I mean, let's face it, I'm not running around yelling “Yippee, I'm suffering!”. Clearly, I‘m not always happy. But when I am, I know that it was a choice of my own free will to accept the joy that lives in me through Jesus. When I am having a bad day and my attitude is reaching dangerous levels, the only person stopping me from having a joyful attitude is myself. No one is forcing me to dislike the world and it's inhabitants. Thankfully, I have a very forgiving Savior, who gives me an endless supply of second chances. I need them daily!
Even in the midst of trouble, I want to shine the light of Jesus. Think of how rare you will be if you do that? I know that is what I hope to do! When things are seemingly very dismal, I am going to try and remember that I am a Child of the King of kings. And that is definitely something to be happy about!
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. -Philippians 2:14-16
