Saturday, May 4, 2013

Strangely Dim

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not just physically, but emotionally. Mainly, emotional. Somehow, even though this happens a lot, it still get's to me. Having a chronic illness messes up everything. Typically I'm not one to have persisting thoughts or fears in my mind all the time. In fact, that is rarely a problem for me. But, every once in a while, usually relating to my illness, I feel like I'm plagued by them. This might sound silly to some, but it started to get bad a few weeks before I turned twenty and escalated after my birthday was over. Getting sick at the age of sixteen made me feel like I missed a big part of my life and I had to deal with acceptance early on. And believe me, throughout the years, it's been back and forth between surrendering and fighting it. It was very hard for me to see my friends go off to college or do other things and know that that was out of the question for me. I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to do the things I wanted to do as I was only eighteen and surely I would have the Celiac under control before too long. Without even realizing it,  I was holding onto the hope that I would be better within the next year and  I could start pursuing my dreams. Then it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I was turning twenty and not any better. I always assumed my late teens and early twenties would be one of the most exciting times of my life. I never, not even after three years of being sick, thought I would be where I am right now. And it scares me. I will be lying in bed and I feel like time is running out. Celiac has already taken the last four years of my life and it's still taking time from me. Time that I am petrified of losing. I can hardly stand to think of all that I could of done and what I could be doing now.  

Those thoughts are such a dangerous road to go on. As if I need more reasons to be miserable. Unfortunately, because I am still ill and spend most of my time at home, I get a lot of thinking time and my thoughts tend to think about all that I wish my life was. I just hate not being in control. I have to deal with that daily. I wish that it was just a one time thing of surrendering, but that is not how it is. It's more like "Okay Lord, I surrender this to You" and then five minutes later my surrendered heart takes a vacation. Thank goodness we have a loving God who forgives us. Continually for me!

After quite a few weeks of discontentment and fear of not having enough time to act upon all my plans, I was struck with what I was doing. I was acting shamefully to my Savior. He has given me so much and what was I doing? Throwing my ungratefulness in His face. I was also "choosing" to make myself miserable and I don't have to be. Is my situation miserable? I sure think it is! But I do not want to let it control me. It cannot stop me from being happy or helpful, and most importantly, it cannot stop me from deepening my relationship with Jesus. Having Jesus as my Savior does not mean my life is going to be perfect, but it does mean I don't have to bear the burden of it alone. 

When I think about my plans for the future, I can get very dismal and I feel like they will never happen. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". He has a plan for me! Things may seen dark now, but I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for my life. Not a life that I've dreamed up, but one that is designed by my Savior. God has never made anything shabby, so if He has designed my life I know that my future is going to be beautiful and I am looking forward to it! For the meantime, I am just trying to take one day at a time. Trusting in Jesus to get me through the tough days and thanking Him for the life that I do have. Who knows what my future will hold! Oh wait,... God does!

I love when I find a song that I feel came from my own thoughts. This is one of those songs!

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