Shock, despair and horror was running through me as I sat in the Dr.’s office. This appointment was supposed to be giving me answers of why, after all these years, my health was not improving. Instead, I had to listen to a Dr. who does not know anything about me or my history; make terrible guesses and predictions of diseases and problems that I "might" have. The Dr. knew little about Celiac Disease and frankly, did not even agree that I had it. I just could not believe that she could sit there and make all these awful assumptions, that I knew were wrong. Then, as if the thing I was told was wrong with me wasn't bad enough; then, came what was recommended to do next. More tests that reveal practically nothing; more money, and more nothing!
I walked out of the office with my Mom and looked at the hopeful and questioning faces of my Dad and sister. Quickly reading the expression on my face, they asked what happened.
I couldn’t talk.
I uttered a teary, muffled “I want to leave”, then rushed to the bathroom and broke down. All this time I’ve never lost control of my emotions in a public place before but, there I was sobbing in the bathroom stall of a hospital. I didn't know at that point what to think. I was overwhelmed, angry and devoid of all hope. In my heart, I knew that what the Dr. had said was wrong, but the intense emotion I was feeling was not letting me see that.
Bottom line: I have Celiac Disease. Celiac is a struggle. It is a serious autoimmune disease that if you have it, it will not be an easy road. I happen to have a very bad case of it, and therefore, have a lot of the other numerous problems that come with it. Being aggressive, taking matters into out own hands and not giving up the fight is what we have to do. I’m not going to give up!
I still am processing all this. I’m still somewhat discouraged. In some ways, I am having to start at the beginning again and that is hard for me to accept. To think about more time and more struggling is disheartening. I was looking for a quick fix. To finally have my health and my life back. Yet here I am on hold once again. Or am I? Maybe I’m wrong just like the Dr. was wrong about me. I will most likely never do the things that I had planned for my future, but the key there, is it was the things “I” had planned. Clearly the Lord has a different plan for me. All this time without my health, and all the physical and emotional struggle's have taught me that I am not in control. God is. He has a plan for my life and this struggle is part of it. Having Celiac is a part of it. If I, a mere human, can come up with extravagant plans for my life, how much more can the plans of my Savior be for me! My life is not what I wanted it to be, but it's what its supposed to be.
My long journey continues, but with Jesus walking right beside me, I can do it! I’m not giving up hope (Psalm 71:14)! We went to this Dr. to find answers and we got them... just not the way we expected. Even before the trauma of it wore off, we knew that going with what this Dr. was suggesting was not the way to go. While I’m sure that this person is very qualified in their field, for what I have and need they do not understand and cannot help. It was a clear answer and I’m thankful for it.
For the first time in over a month, we are not petrified that I have something very dangerously wrong. Just the autoimmune disease that I already knew I had. While it's difficult and I would never wish for anyone to go through it; I know what I am dealing with and with the help of those who are also fighting Celiac and my family, I am going to do what I can to get back on my feet.
How wonderful is it to have a Savior, Who even in the midst of trials, promises never to leave us or forsake us! I know I would of given up by now if I did not have Him to lean on. Continuing to move forward with Jesus by my side!
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6