This Pain Is A Part
To be thankful for my life can seem impossible.
To be grateful for what I have can be far from my mind.
The struggle of every day, every hour, weighs me down like an anchor
and I feel like I am drowning.
Tired and worn, I lie awake at night.
Sleep hardly comes, and when it does, I’m still weary.
I feel so alone sometimes, but when I’m in a crowd, I stand to the side.
I hate that I don’t even act like myself, as if this "disease" can control me.
Will it always be like this?
In my despair, I think it will.
Time keeps moving forward, but I’m stuck in one place.
I’m not afraid of never doing anything, but I’m afraid of when it will be.
Years I can never get back are flying by without me;
years of unfulfilled dreams and adventures that might have been.
“My health has not permitted me” is a phrase that I know well.
I ache to have a purpose, somewhere where I belong.
To have something to talk about instead of all that is wrong.
Yet, in the midst of all this misery, one thing I can claim.
I can boast in my Jesus and all that He is!
He has given me blessings in spite of the hurt.
And because of the sorrow, I’m more aware of the good.
I see Him more clearly, than if my life was going as I had planned.
Trials have taught me that being a Christian does not mean life is easy.
Hardship reminds me that Jesus is there, ready to give strength when I need it,
and comfort in bad times.
When I’m frustrated and angry at life, He is there telling me,
“Why are you trying to bear this alone?
Cast your cares on Me. I care about you.”
I know that He has a plan for my life, even if it is hard to see.
This pain is a part; and each day is one day closer to something new.
I don’t want to be bitter about my situation.
Yes, it is hard, but what good is it if I resent everything?
When I’m so busy thinking about what He has not given me, I lose sight of what He has.
God is not keeping contentment or comfort from me;
I keep it from myself by not trusting Him with my life.
So, I am thankful for my life, even though it might not be what I want.
I’m grateful for my life because I have Jesus to lean on always.
And because of that, I know I can remain strong.
Rachael Lydia Allison, July 10 2013